The list grows with each day, month and year. We have built this love together through happiness laughter, trials and tribulations. It is complex, beautiful, comforting and it is all ours.
There comes a time though in which we talk about how to spread this love and grow our family. The want for children is like a deep yearning, a persistent ache that never dies. Unfortunately, neither of us were gifted with sperm at birth so growing our family cannot happen organically.
Creating a family for us will always have to be intentional. In that there is beauty. Our child will always be deeply craved and wished for. I hope this will manifest into a being that is loved beyond all measure and always knows how wanted they are. However, the practicalities of this are different and painful.
I always thought a child I had would be part of me and part of someone I loved. I imagined examining their features and remarking over where their characteristics came from. Of being able to pass to them the stories of my family and of their heritage but this will never happen for me.
I fear our child will grow up not knowing their roots or background. Mourning a part of themselves that they don’t know, experiencing pain due to this. If creating our child is intentional and they are at risk of experiencing this pain, am I intentionally creating pain by trying to grow a family? There are additional complexities that come not only with identity but also medical problems, epigenetic trauma that we’re unaware of.