BEREAVED mother and TV personality Kiki Deville has written her debut novel aimed at tackling the stigma around talking about child loss.
What Not to Say: A practical guide to supporting bereaved parents is aimed at the friends and family of people who have suffered the loss of a child, and want to support them.
Kiki, of Earby, Lancashire, who is best-known for her TV work after appearing on season three of The Voice UK and as a judge on reality TV show All Together Now, is also Patron of Derian House Children’s Hospice in Chorley.
Her baby son Dexter passed away at the Chorley-based hospice in 2007, aged just 4 weeks and 3 days after being born with a rare genetic condition called Zellweger Syndrome. Kiki is now a passionate advocate for the hospice’s work and opening up the conversation around
child loss.
“For the longest time, I feel we have left bereaved parents to deal with their loss alone. They
say it takes a village to raise a child, it should take a village to bury one and help that family
navigate their way back into the real world again,” said Kiki.
“There is a kind of loneliness that comes with losing a child that makes you feel alone
amongst a crowd of people, and I wanted to explain that to people. We are so bad at talking about death even though it is the most inevitable thing we know. This book is about helping people understand that it is ok to talk about it – in fact, it is not just okay, but crucial that we
do.”
She hopes that the book, which gives readers a practical guide of exactly what to say and do
will help both bereaved parents and their loved ones, who often feel so unsure of what to say
that they say nothing at all.
Contrary to what readers may expect, the book is written using humour, and is as direct as it is moving.
“I wanted to open up the conversation and help people understand that there are ways to help but they probably haven’t been shown them,” said Kiki.
“We often avoid bereaved parents because we don’t know what to say. This book is about
giving people the knowledge and tools to help bereaved parents.
“I also wanted to help people understand that whilst our child’s death changes us, it doesn’t mean that we aren’t still whole human beings. We can still be fun, capable, and dynamic. We might be broken, but we are not fragile.”
Writing the book was a cathartic experience for Kiki and a way to honour Dexter, who would be celebrating his 17th birthday on the day of the book’s release (12 September, 2024).
“Writing the book came with a lot of big feelings,” said Kiki.
“Any time I get to tell the world about Dexter is a gift, so writing about him and telling his story in a bid to help other bereaved parents is such an incredible way to honour him.”
Although Kiki is an experienced and accomplished songwriter, the book was her first foray into literature.
Before producing the book, she undertook a writing course with Authors & Co, and was
mentored by the Sunday Times best-selling author Heidi Mavir, who guided her through the process, reminding her that this was her mission.
When asked what impact she hopes the book will have, Kiki said: “I want people to
understand that talking about our children is the greatest gift you can give.
“Saying their names, acknowledging their very existence, is such a powerful way to show us that you care, and that you truly want to help. It is ok to be upset and it is ok to show that. You can cry, and you can have your feelings too.
“If people can take away valuable tools from this book for helping their loved ones through the rest of their lives as a bereaved parent, it will be better for everyone in the long run. I want to show that we can talk about this stuff with love and humour, but also be honest and direct about the things that hurt and the things that help.”
In the book, Kiki interviews three bereaved mothers about their experiences – Nicola
(Reuben’s mum), Samailah (Ribqah’s mum), and Sarah (Maggie’s mum) – who shared their stories in a bid to help others.
“After their losses, Nicola started the incredible Reuben’s Retreat in Reuben’s name and
Sarah started Maggie’s Stillbirth Legacy in Maggie’s name, so talking about their amazing work was also a wonderful way to help add to the legacies of their children,” said Kiki. As well as helping others, Kiki said the book has helped her to honour Dexter.
“As I held him through his final breaths, I promised Dexter that I would make sure the world
knew his name,” she said.
“He has made me understand what it is to be a better human and a more caring version of
myself. He helped me realise that my mission in life is to make the world a better and more empathic place for bereaved parents and to create platforms for those families to tell their children’s stories.”
You can buy the book here from Thursday 12 September 2024.