I only know that it’s national breastfeeding week because when I opened facebook on the 1st August, there was a post on the breastfeeding support UK facebook page complaining about the Scottish Government’s use of the term ‘chestfeeding’. The comments mainly ranged from agreeing that men can’t have babies or produce milk to those who were overtly transphobic and openly hostile. My heart dropped, I am one of those people who use the term chestfeeding, I prefer the inclusive language and whilst I like to use the term as a self-descriptor, I don’t use it as a replacement for all situations where the term breastfeeding would be used. Being a queer disabled parent comes with a lot of baggage and often I spend my time wondering whether it will always be a case of having to choose between letting others assume my identities so my kid can fit in or being visibly queer as a parent and watching the fear, alienation and in some cases repulsion as parents move their kids away. Having moved from a queer friendly area into a very rural location, there are fewer interactions, fewer acknowledgements of families that don’t fit the mum/dad family type and those of us who exist outside of that norm are pushed aside. Accidentally re-entering the closet, anxiously wondering how to manage the balance between being and fitting in. The nuance between language is needed, necessary and often not welcomed. Why can’t we start with the most inclusive option? Why wouldn’t we say they to begin with and then inquire about preference? Language is power and how we use language can include and exclude people.
The way language is used transverses boundaries, much with what I understand with the exclusion of inclusive language specifically designed to alienate queers, I also find in able bodied spaces as a disabled person. I walk with a cane and yet when I hear little voices exclaim ‘what is that?’ or ‘what is wrong with that lady?’, I then hear shushing, and children being moved away from me. The few times I have heard someone respond to a child’s question about my white cane, it’s been factual, correct and dealt with in a manner that is respectful. I don’t see why we can’t all be like this. I would be happy to answer questions from kids and have in the past but know that it’s up to parents in many ways to decide what and when to tell their kids about certain parts of life. The way that disability and queerness are both shut out of the mainstream conversation means that we have children growing up not experiencing or understanding difference and that creates friction and tensions. Children can be some of our most inclusive beings, often able to accept and understand pronouns quicker than some adults. When we teach children that we cannot talk about things, we teach them that those things are not ok. So, it started with a conversation about chestfeeding and ended in a rant about language and inclusivity. The term chestfeeding is comforting, inclusive and a way for me to express my experience as a birthing parent. When someone uses the term chestfeeding for me, I relax, confident that this is a person who gets it, who knows that it’s not about forcing language onto people but including those at the margins, who otherwise would be pushed out of the conversation or turned away from the table. Language matters and how we use it to include and exclude sends a very real message to our children about how they should treat people.
I’m a non-binary trans man and I gave birth, I don’t want to use the term breastfeeding because my chest is not a feature, simply a tool to feed my child.