18 July to 17 August is South Asian Heritage Month. This year’s theme is “Free to be me”. As I sit down to write my thoughts, I am filled with all sorts of emotions. My journey as a parent in the South Asian LGBTQ+ community has been both challenging and rewarding. It’s a path less travelled, yet full of beautiful moments and new traditions that we, as a family, are creating and embracing.
I am from Pakistan. I have lived in London for the majority of my life, moving here when I was just 6 years old. My parents moved back when I was 19 and my brother was 22. My brother moved to the US and I decided to stay in London. The elders in my family are practicing Muslims. My parents, aunts and uncles observe important events and festivals in the Muslim calendar but would not necessarily attend the local Mosque. My generation are even more removed from our religion. It’s not that we don’t respect our culture or religion. It’s just not central to our lives. We attend family gatherings and celebrate the larger festivals but we don’t really follow the Muslim calendar.
My wife is Indian by birth but lived most of her life in London like me. Unfortunately, my wife was shunned by her family when she came out as lesbian. She has never really experienced her Indian culture. We took a trip to India together when we graduated university but she felt disconnected from it all.
I came out as lesbian to my mother when I was 14. I had a crush on a girl at school and wanted to talk to my mother about it. She was a little taken aback by this revelation but ultimately accepting. My father took more convincing but realised I was serious when I decided to stay in London with my then girlfriend, now wife, rather than returning to Pakistan with him and my mother. My brother said he knew since I was 4 years old that I would be a lesbian! I came out as non-binary just after I met my now wife. Amusingly, my non-binary identity was accepted without fuss!
In my culture, traditions are the bedrock of our identity. They shape our festivals, our family gatherings, and even our daily rituals. However, as an LGBTQ+ parent, I’ve found myself at the crossroads of maintaining these cherished customs while also forging new paths that reflect our unique family dynamic. It is traditional in my country for a gestational parent to move back home for the first 40 days after giving birth. However, I didn’t want to do this. Instead, my mother, my aunt and my mother’s best friend came to stay with us in London. I carried our first child and my wife carried our second. My family did the same for my wife as they did for me.
Milestones like a child’s first birthday or their coming-of-age ceremonies are grand affairs in my community, often steeped in religious and cultural significance. As an LGBTQ+ parent in a mixed heritage relationship, I’ve realised the importance of these celebrations but also the need to adapt them to be inclusive and reflective of our reality. Requesting inclusive books and toys for our little one, reminding folk that although I gave birth, I don’t call myself “mum” and our children refer to me as “Mohabbat” or “Mo” for short. (Mohabbat means love in Urdu). My wife goes by Mama.
My parents and extended family have been supportive, albeit with some initial consternation. They have also taken my wife under their wing without objection. This has been so affirming for her as when her family disowned her, she had considered “renouncing” lesbianism. Educating my family about our roles and the importance of equality in our parenting has been crucial. Slowly but surely, we are witnessing a shift in their understanding and acceptance, which is heartening. Especially with the elders.
As our community evolves and our family grows, I see a future where our stories and traditions become a part of the larger South Asian narrative. A future where every family, regardless of their structure, is celebrated and accepted. This hope fuels our journey and gives us the strength to continue forging new paths.
In sharing our experiences, we hope to inspire other LGBTQ+ parents within the South Asian community to embrace their journeys with pride and to create traditions that are as unique and beautiful as their families.